I don't even know whether anyone would read this but here goes;
In primary school, I was this small, short girl. Big eyes. But. A crybaby. Everyone didn't like me because I was much rather a "teacher's pet" not by choice, my parents have instilled this "must be good and study hard and get good grades" kind of child. I started wearing spectacles in Primary 3 because in Primary 2 holidays I played too much computer games, old school computer games with my sister.
This was how I looked like;
I know, terrible. I was still chubby, and was a crybaby. I got bullied ALL the time. Insulted by classmates. I admired how others were popular and wanted to be like them. I could cry up to 4 times in a school day. My curly hair made my hair all messy. I was always one of those chosen last for the team if there was even someone to choose. I tried to fit in so bad, I didn't even know whether what I did was right. Boys shunned me when they think they heard I "liked" them that kind of thing. They just didn't want to have anything to do with me.
Not only that, some teachers actually bullied me. Take me for granted, expect me to be an 'A' student. My music teacher expected me to turn up for every single practice, when consecutively I didn't appear for practice nearing SYF because I wasn't feeling well and my mum dragged me away from school to go out, my music teacher came up to me and scolded me and said she initially wanted me to represent the school during SYF to collect the prize but she changed her mind. I was pretty upset then, well representing school to take prizes was kind of a big thing, because I was never the smartest in any class, just an average student trying to live day by day in school, trying to pass PSLE at the end of this journey.
At the end of PSLE, after we got the postings to which secondary school we were gonna go, I was rather determined to stop that crybaby shit and be tough, stronger. The cryings mostly stop, only on a few occasions like bad results that I would cry. But it was much rare as compared in primary school. Unfortunately, I wasn't cute (to me I wasn't, but I remembered in secondary 1 when I entered the choir room for the first time to meet the choir as I was a direct school applicant through choir, the girls were all "she's so cute" and wanting me to be placed in their section but I ended up in Soprano). But I was considered a nerd, because for me it took me so hard to get a placing in my secondary school as my PSLE results couldn't get me into a good school and the school I was posted to, my parents weren't exactly pleased.
There were lockers, which for me from secondary 1 to 3 I hardly used it, I practically carried ALL my books around school in my bag (crazy I know, I don't even know how I managed to do that). I wore my geeky spectacles, was sent to school via car every morning, and picked up after school everyday including after choir practices. To go home for tuition. My mum drilled me on studies, she didn't want me to end up like my sister. She wanted me to be better. I had tuition for almost every subject I took, except literature and english. So you can imagine my weekly routine; School - tuition - school -tuition - school - choir - tuition, weekends were full of tuition. At that point in my life, I was not going to church regularly, my parents had the habit of asking us to stay home to study instead of going to church so it became a habit for my sister and I from primary school.
Secondary 1 and 2 was kinda tough, new environment, new friends, friends who backstabbed you, friends who used you, friends who only talked to you when they needed you, friends who didn't care. But there were always friends who were there for you even if you didn't know. Secondary 2 was when I officially really liked someone, but looking like shit I got rejected. He didn't feel the same way but I am quite thankful that we didn't get together at all because he turned into someone I didn't know anymore and I wouldn't want to associate with anymore.
This was how i looked like when I was secondary 2;
Look at that horrible fringe (shudders)
In any case I was always shunned by popular group of people in my class, I still remembered clearly that my friends were gonna go to watch a movie together and asked me to go along, so I said okay, and when the rest of the group that were supposed to go saw that I was going, I clearly remembered 1 guy who mouthed to someone about me "she's going?!" and I could see that he was very unhappy about it. So I just went off to the toilet and I was really upset about it. In the end the plan was cancelled and everyone just went home, with my mum asking me why I came home when I told her I was going out with my friends after school. It was really quite hurtful, like I knew nobody liked me from then. To make things worse, I was assigned to be in that guy's group for literature project - play. He was supposed to carry me and put me on the floor, the day of the performance he practically dropped me on the floor from a height. I can never forget that I don't know why.
Secondary 2 was also the year I got rejected from councillors. I was on probation but in the end I didn't get in. I was pretty upset too as I thought that councillors were where the cooler people were and I wanted to be part of that. I wanted to be more accepted into school and unfortunately I just didn't make the cut. But looking back now I am kinda glad that I didn't get into councillors.
Secondary 3 was another new phase, streaming into double sciences and new people. New class, new people. And I decided to try soft rebonding. To calm those curls down.
It was then I kinda underwent a major change? I was off braces, started to wear contacts to school, reduced the load of books into the locker.
I took up a leadership role in choir, being the assistant section leader. But I knew that the seniors didn't exactly liked me then because I corrected one of them in front of the choir about some event we went to. I kinda knew that he/she didn't like me because of that because I felt it.
In secondary 4 I found my close group of friends, those who stayed and were always there for me, through boy trouble, through bad results, through home problems. I really thank them and till now they are still there for me even if I can't meet them so regularly. But I think I was still trying to fit into the popular group, but I think I was used more than I was trying to fit in.
So O Levels came and left, I met less and less with the popular bunch in my class as I wasn't exactly invited to their gatherings.
I had an average score for my O levels, enough for me to get into a decent JC but my mum wanted me to get into Poly so I managed to get into a course that I wanted, following my sister's footsteps.
I entered poly, again new friends new environment.
I am not going to talk so much about poly, just gonna talk about how people accepted me differently. I guess in poly I looked much better? Because I felt more welcomed, felt more accepted. Before I got attached to my current boyfriend, there were 2 other guys who were trying to get to know me and in the end try to woo me. But I chose my current boyfriend instead, because of his personality and he was one of my good friends before we got together.
I stopped rebonding my hair because it was damaging so I let it grow out (which happens to be the best decision ever even though the growing out process was horrendous).
People made fun of me but no harm intended and I took it lightly which was what I changed my mindset to. I couldn't possibly get angry at people for teasing, it'll just end up everyone hating me.
My poly year 1 picture;
But in the end through the years in poly I found my true friends, through many obstacles.
One of my recent photos at a friend's 21st;
and my trip with my family to bangkok this year;
I mean yeah like people approach me more nowadays as compared to last time when i was younger.
I still say I am insecure. I never felt that I was pretty enough, never felt I was skinny enough. I always feel that I'm not good enough, not smart. I always wanted to be a blogshop model, but I don't think I will ever be good enough. I'm not as pretty as them, I don't even have that figure. I am not even skinny. Like for real. I never felt I was talented enough, always admired people who had the courage to participate in Singing competitions. Never felt I was good enough to be even singing in pubs. I was hesitant to be a backup singer in church but I guess that was just God's calling. I still think I am not good enough and there are so many people out there who are much, much better than I am.
As what I said, I don't even think anyone reads this blog anyway.
But if you are reading, thank you for reading (: God bless you.
x
