Let the pain come,
Let the memories flood.
Let the hurt refresh,
Let the tears come.
Only will then she reminds herself,
The pain, the guilt, the heartbreak,
That felt like a thousand knives through her heart,
To keep her hold on what is right.
Refreshing the memories,
When she cried for days.
The desperation of the situation,
She'll never want to resurface.
The pain will be the reminder,
As she holds on to her faith.
The fear will instill in her,
Never to repeat her mistakes.
She remembers God's grace,
To continually have faith.
To lean on Jesus,
When the devil comes to waste.
Placing hurt,
Next to guilt,
To remind her,
To set things right.
It is as though like letting a wound scab,
But always scratching it out.
Letting it heal enough,
But reopening the fresh wound to let it bleed again,
Every once in a while.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Remember
Remember the pain, the hurt, the desperation.
Remember the hope that she clung on, when everything seemed so bleak.
Remember the tears, the days, the silence.
Remember the guilt, the temptation, what brought her here.
Remember the anger, the sadness, the frustration.
Remember the feelings of lost, hopelessness and the feeling like there's not going to be another day of ever feeling happy.
Most importantly,
Remember the grace, the forgiveness, the relief.
Remember the people who stood beside her, listening, and comforting.
Remember the worthiness, that even though she may not feel that she'll ever be worthy, to be loved.
Remember the second, third chance she was given.
Remember the desperate need for touch from him.
Remember the words, the promises, the confession.
Remember the heavy burden lifted from her shoulders.
Ultimately,
Remember that God loves her no matter what.
Remember that Jesus will always be there for her.
Remember that he didn't give up on her, on them.
Remember that even when memories come to haunt her, all she has to do is cling on to Jesus.
Remember that through him, God had shown grace, forgiveness and love.
Remember that she doesn't need attention or approval from people, and that she only needs attention and approval from the one and only Heavenly Father.
Remember that she is worthy of love, worthy of praise, worthy to be God's child.
Remember.
Remember the hope that she clung on, when everything seemed so bleak.
Remember the tears, the days, the silence.
Remember the guilt, the temptation, what brought her here.
Remember the anger, the sadness, the frustration.
Remember the feelings of lost, hopelessness and the feeling like there's not going to be another day of ever feeling happy.
Most importantly,
Remember the grace, the forgiveness, the relief.
Remember the people who stood beside her, listening, and comforting.
Remember the worthiness, that even though she may not feel that she'll ever be worthy, to be loved.
Remember the second, third chance she was given.
Remember the desperate need for touch from him.
Remember the words, the promises, the confession.
Remember the heavy burden lifted from her shoulders.
Ultimately,
Remember that God loves her no matter what.
Remember that Jesus will always be there for her.
Remember that he didn't give up on her, on them.
Remember that even when memories come to haunt her, all she has to do is cling on to Jesus.
Remember that through him, God had shown grace, forgiveness and love.
Remember that she doesn't need attention or approval from people, and that she only needs attention and approval from the one and only Heavenly Father.
Remember that she is worthy of love, worthy of praise, worthy to be God's child.
Remember.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Late night thoughts.
It's 12.08am.
Currently listening to: CHVRCHES.
Just finished drying my hair, after working. Actually I left at around 440pm to go to the airport to send off a friend who was flying back to Australia for university. And then I was back in the lab at 930pm. Well, that's research for you.
To be honest, today was a bad day. Or rather this week is a bad week. Been doing stupid reckless things, drowning myself in alcohol, and screwing up at work. Which is why I made the decision to give the fireball cinnamon whiskey (that i made the effort to go all the way down and willingly spent for myself) to my boyfriend. Because I felt I was getting worse. At life. At decisions. At work. I'm actually pretty upset at myself for making those mistakes, but life has to go on even though life is really throwing me durians again.
I've been thinking, when I was showering, to share about my problem; attention. Please understand that this is an issue that it is very hard for me to share, especially online.
This attention thing can actually piss people off. Because I have this incessant need for people to reply me/ show that they care for me/ the list goes on. And I do know it is ridiculous. Because after I piss people off whether I really do or not, I actually feel so bad, feel upset at myself. Like why do I need to be like that?
Going back to the beginning of my life, early stages of my life, I never ever actually received any affirmation or approval of my talents or my looks from my parents, especially my mum, because I guess my mum was always the one who set the standards, and my dad doesn't exactly say anything. My mum was always so hard on academics, and I never seemed to actually make her happy with the results I got. Primary school, if I did not get full marks, and if there were careless mistakes, I would get caning for each careless mistake. I pretty much got rejected every time, from friends (not being cool to hang out with and being made use of), from teachers (I got threatened by my choir teacher because 2 times in a row I skipped choir practice to spend time with my mum and her sister).
Going way back a little more to kindergarten, I got rejected by my first teacher, I could never ever seem to please her and she would scold me for the littlest things. Like I drew shapes from my ruler on the assessment books and got scolded. Basically she made it so bad for me that whenever my mum dropped me off at school I would cry and refused to go in. I still remember that even as I was crying my mum was shouting at the teacher because I was late and she was shaming me. Eventually I shifted class after my mum talked to the principal. And I recalled that during our tea break that mean teacher was complaining about me to my new teacher. I have forgiven this teacher, to be honest, she was maybe having a bad time in her life, and looking at myself back when I was teaching, I guess I was not a good teacher either, at times I would feel bad after screaming at my students.
Going forward to secondary school, I was yet again being used, never fitting in.
To polytechnic, got accused, shot down, hated. But I've forgiven them and moved forward.
Fast forward to now, I've started work, I guess university was pretty much trying to pass my modules so I wasn't too concerned about fitting in and all. I was so caught up with work and studies that I had no time to think about other stuff. Now, I have more free time on my hands. Which means that I have more time to think about all this nonsense.Throughout life, I've always tried to lower my mother's standards so that I don't feel so bad, like whenever I feel that I'll probably be able to pass and the paper was okay, I always tell my mother that I might fail and the paper was bad. Because if I told her that the paper was okay, she would expect me to do extremely well. So, by telling her that my paper was bad and I might fail, she only can hope that I pass and if I do better than a pass, she'll be happy. Quite ridiculous, I know.
My mum has also straight up in my face told me that she hates my singing. And when I try to practice playing my guitar at home, she comes and closes my door. What can that mean? That only means that she can't tolerate it. From young I've always been chasing her dreams, her dreams of me being able to play the piano like a prodigy (when I loved ballet and she made that choice for me when I was learning both), she made me go to the tiger air stewardess interview (that was to make her happy and every stage I was praying that they would not call my name and I was not even bothered to care about doing well). The only plus so far is that I somehow, lucky as it is, I got into A*STAR and because it is known to be reputable, my mum is happy. If she wasn't pleased with the jobs my sister and I have, she'll make us leave it, and complain non stop until we can't take it (she made my sister leave her birdpark job which she loved very much though it was tiring).
So no approval? What do people like me do then? We seek it outside. From friends, from colleagues. It's becoming more and more ridiculous that I can even see it. And the best thing is, I can't help it. After it happens, or when I feel like I got rejected in some way or another, I will be very hard on myself. Finding fault with myself. Please do not get me wrong, I am not trying to get any comfort from anyone here, like "oh, you poor thing" those kind of stuff. No I am seriously not. I just feel that people should understand that I am not wanting that attention on purpose. I actually even detest myself for it. Like I don't even want to be like this. I think me being like this probably did push some people away... and yeap, I blame myself for it.
As much as many people tell me I sing well, it is really very hard for me to accept that. But recently I found where I am most happy at, singing and jamming with this group of friends that I got to know as they were my boyfriend's friends. I feel that even without alcohol, I feel happy, belonged. And with my boyfriend's friends, I really can be myself and feel happy.
Edit: this doesn't mean to my other friends that I'm not happy when I'm with them. I'm just expressing who other than my close circle of friends that I can be myself with. I appreciate every time spent with other friends too so don't feel that I'm saying that I only want to hang out with certain people (highlight: I care for others more than myself)
I've been drinking more often and I have made a decision to stop using alcohol as a way out. For all those fuck-ups I've been making, to just escape from thinking and feeling. I am stopping myself from drinking alone. I will only drink with my friends. Because to be honest, drinking alone may make me feel happy for a while, but after it dies down, I just go back to being unhappy. And the after effects of alcohol is not good for me.
I know that as a Christian, I am supposed to seek God for attention and approval. But it is really very difficult, but I am trying. Getting rejected time and time again and not getting approval especially from my mum has taken a very big blow in my life. I can only be thankful for the friends I have, the people who do care but they don't say it, and my boyfriend and my church friends and God. Thank you for staying guys. But I think I need a break from life. And I need to figure out what do I want in life and how to handle all this, again.
And, I actually care for other people more than myself. Because that's who God made me to be. I have a gift: compassion, empathy, for others. I am that kind of person that will go all out for a friend when I can.
So, back to chilling with music.
xx
Time: 12:44am. Time to sleep, if I can, that is.
Currently listening to: CHVRCHES.
Just finished drying my hair, after working. Actually I left at around 440pm to go to the airport to send off a friend who was flying back to Australia for university. And then I was back in the lab at 930pm. Well, that's research for you.
To be honest, today was a bad day. Or rather this week is a bad week. Been doing stupid reckless things, drowning myself in alcohol, and screwing up at work. Which is why I made the decision to give the fireball cinnamon whiskey (that i made the effort to go all the way down and willingly spent for myself) to my boyfriend. Because I felt I was getting worse. At life. At decisions. At work. I'm actually pretty upset at myself for making those mistakes, but life has to go on even though life is really throwing me durians again.
I've been thinking, when I was showering, to share about my problem; attention. Please understand that this is an issue that it is very hard for me to share, especially online.
This attention thing can actually piss people off. Because I have this incessant need for people to reply me/ show that they care for me/ the list goes on. And I do know it is ridiculous. Because after I piss people off whether I really do or not, I actually feel so bad, feel upset at myself. Like why do I need to be like that?
Going back to the beginning of my life, early stages of my life, I never ever actually received any affirmation or approval of my talents or my looks from my parents, especially my mum, because I guess my mum was always the one who set the standards, and my dad doesn't exactly say anything. My mum was always so hard on academics, and I never seemed to actually make her happy with the results I got. Primary school, if I did not get full marks, and if there were careless mistakes, I would get caning for each careless mistake. I pretty much got rejected every time, from friends (not being cool to hang out with and being made use of), from teachers (I got threatened by my choir teacher because 2 times in a row I skipped choir practice to spend time with my mum and her sister).
Going way back a little more to kindergarten, I got rejected by my first teacher, I could never ever seem to please her and she would scold me for the littlest things. Like I drew shapes from my ruler on the assessment books and got scolded. Basically she made it so bad for me that whenever my mum dropped me off at school I would cry and refused to go in. I still remember that even as I was crying my mum was shouting at the teacher because I was late and she was shaming me. Eventually I shifted class after my mum talked to the principal. And I recalled that during our tea break that mean teacher was complaining about me to my new teacher. I have forgiven this teacher, to be honest, she was maybe having a bad time in her life, and looking at myself back when I was teaching, I guess I was not a good teacher either, at times I would feel bad after screaming at my students.
Going forward to secondary school, I was yet again being used, never fitting in.
To polytechnic, got accused, shot down, hated. But I've forgiven them and moved forward.
Fast forward to now, I've started work, I guess university was pretty much trying to pass my modules so I wasn't too concerned about fitting in and all. I was so caught up with work and studies that I had no time to think about other stuff. Now, I have more free time on my hands. Which means that I have more time to think about all this nonsense.Throughout life, I've always tried to lower my mother's standards so that I don't feel so bad, like whenever I feel that I'll probably be able to pass and the paper was okay, I always tell my mother that I might fail and the paper was bad. Because if I told her that the paper was okay, she would expect me to do extremely well. So, by telling her that my paper was bad and I might fail, she only can hope that I pass and if I do better than a pass, she'll be happy. Quite ridiculous, I know.
My mum has also straight up in my face told me that she hates my singing. And when I try to practice playing my guitar at home, she comes and closes my door. What can that mean? That only means that she can't tolerate it. From young I've always been chasing her dreams, her dreams of me being able to play the piano like a prodigy (when I loved ballet and she made that choice for me when I was learning both), she made me go to the tiger air stewardess interview (that was to make her happy and every stage I was praying that they would not call my name and I was not even bothered to care about doing well). The only plus so far is that I somehow, lucky as it is, I got into A*STAR and because it is known to be reputable, my mum is happy. If she wasn't pleased with the jobs my sister and I have, she'll make us leave it, and complain non stop until we can't take it (she made my sister leave her birdpark job which she loved very much though it was tiring).
So no approval? What do people like me do then? We seek it outside. From friends, from colleagues. It's becoming more and more ridiculous that I can even see it. And the best thing is, I can't help it. After it happens, or when I feel like I got rejected in some way or another, I will be very hard on myself. Finding fault with myself. Please do not get me wrong, I am not trying to get any comfort from anyone here, like "oh, you poor thing" those kind of stuff. No I am seriously not. I just feel that people should understand that I am not wanting that attention on purpose. I actually even detest myself for it. Like I don't even want to be like this. I think me being like this probably did push some people away... and yeap, I blame myself for it.
As much as many people tell me I sing well, it is really very hard for me to accept that. But recently I found where I am most happy at, singing and jamming with this group of friends that I got to know as they were my boyfriend's friends. I feel that even without alcohol, I feel happy, belonged. And with my boyfriend's friends, I really can be myself and feel happy.
Edit: this doesn't mean to my other friends that I'm not happy when I'm with them. I'm just expressing who other than my close circle of friends that I can be myself with. I appreciate every time spent with other friends too so don't feel that I'm saying that I only want to hang out with certain people (highlight: I care for others more than myself)
I've been drinking more often and I have made a decision to stop using alcohol as a way out. For all those fuck-ups I've been making, to just escape from thinking and feeling. I am stopping myself from drinking alone. I will only drink with my friends. Because to be honest, drinking alone may make me feel happy for a while, but after it dies down, I just go back to being unhappy. And the after effects of alcohol is not good for me.
I know that as a Christian, I am supposed to seek God for attention and approval. But it is really very difficult, but I am trying. Getting rejected time and time again and not getting approval especially from my mum has taken a very big blow in my life. I can only be thankful for the friends I have, the people who do care but they don't say it, and my boyfriend and my church friends and God. Thank you for staying guys. But I think I need a break from life. And I need to figure out what do I want in life and how to handle all this, again.
And, I actually care for other people more than myself. Because that's who God made me to be. I have a gift: compassion, empathy, for others. I am that kind of person that will go all out for a friend when I can.
So, back to chilling with music.
xx
Time: 12:44am. Time to sleep, if I can, that is.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Torn. Twisted. Terrified.
When you feel that you no longer know who you are anymore.
So much pain, so much emotions.
You just can't deal with all this.
Feel like running away.
Running away from these emotions.
Running away from life.
Escaping.
You don't want to feel.
You don't want to think.
Just. Run.
Does it have to take something dire
To make yourself wake up?
Wake up from your mistakes
Wake up from this nightmare
Wake. Up.
You no longer know this person that you have become.
From someone who loved, cared, careful.
To someone who is reckless, uncertain, lustful,
Torn, twisted, terrified,
Broken, unhappy, thoughtless..
The list goes on.
Warnings given.
Angels sent.
Still not waking up.
There seems to be no outlet.
No where that it can be unleashed.
Feeling like a burden on someone else's shoulders.
Not meant for it to be.
Drowning emotions in alcohol.
No, it can't be.
Suffering the after effects of it,
Is there another remedy?
Or will there even be one?
It doesn't feel deserved.
For someone to care,
For God to care,
For God to be ever so gracious.
You hurt the ones you love,
Hiding the secrets,
Hiding the feelings,
Hiding the truth.
Home is not even a solution.
You just want to be out.
Out and away from all that bullshit.
It's so hard to sleep at night,
Crying to sleep would be that remedy to sleep.
But how long can this keep up?
Nobody knows.
What are you doing with your life?
What are you trying to do with your life?
You. Don't. Know.
Your life was a lie.
Following your parents' dreams.
Torn.
Twisted.
Terrified.
So much pain, so much emotions.
You just can't deal with all this.
Feel like running away.
Running away from these emotions.
Running away from life.
Escaping.
You don't want to feel.
You don't want to think.
Just. Run.
Does it have to take something dire
To make yourself wake up?
Wake up from your mistakes
Wake up from this nightmare
Wake. Up.
You no longer know this person that you have become.
From someone who loved, cared, careful.
To someone who is reckless, uncertain, lustful,
Torn, twisted, terrified,
Broken, unhappy, thoughtless..
The list goes on.
Warnings given.
Angels sent.
Still not waking up.
There seems to be no outlet.
No where that it can be unleashed.
Feeling like a burden on someone else's shoulders.
Not meant for it to be.
Drowning emotions in alcohol.
No, it can't be.
Suffering the after effects of it,
Is there another remedy?
Or will there even be one?
It doesn't feel deserved.
For someone to care,
For God to care,
For God to be ever so gracious.
You hurt the ones you love,
Hiding the secrets,
Hiding the feelings,
Hiding the truth.
Home is not even a solution.
You just want to be out.
Out and away from all that bullshit.
It's so hard to sleep at night,
Crying to sleep would be that remedy to sleep.
But how long can this keep up?
Nobody knows.
What are you doing with your life?
What are you trying to do with your life?
You. Don't. Know.
Your life was a lie.
Following your parents' dreams.
Torn.
Twisted.
Terrified.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Reviewing my 2015 resolutions/ reflections/ Resolutions for 2016
It's been ages since I've had the time to sit down and blog. But what inspired me to write today was during Michell's farewell dinner, we had a time of thanksgiving for 2015 and sharing of our resolutions for 2016.
So.. I'm gonna be reviewing my 2015 resolutions first, followed by reflecting on 2015, and lastly, my resolutions for 2016.
So my resolutions for 2015 were;
1. Appreciate my family more
I honestly don't think I accomplished this.. maybe just a little bit.
2. Walk closer with God and able to serve more regularly
I felt that I was in and out with God, it was never like an increasing closeness but more of a "I take one step forward take 2 steps back" kinda thing... But I did serve more regularly as I finished my school.
3. Get a job with good pay and no need to work weekends
This is definitely out. Well, I got a job with good pay, good colleagues (some of which they really help you so darn much), good boss, but I need to work weekends and overtime with no OT pay.. but who's complaining? It's a job too good to be true!
4. Appreciate Moses more and continue to support him in his school and work
Probably did a little bit, but need to do more.
5. Learn to cook and bake more items that I have never done before
HAAAH nope.
6. Lose a little bit of weight and maintain
NOPE EITHER. I actually put on weight but am more regular with exercising compared to last time.
7. Study harder for the 5 months more
I did! And I've graduated!
8. Appreciate my friends around me more
Definitely. With all that has happened.
9. Become less temperamental
I wouldn't say less? But maybe trying to find the problem with this..
10. Travel to Bangkok with friends
YEAP! With yanping and bush and moses (:
11. Hopefully be able to apply for BTO
Nope. One of us have yet to work full time for 1 year.
12. Blog more: about life and topics that can help readers, also on short stories
Maybe a little bit..
13. Save more money
Maybe? But also spending power more now...
14. Love more, Judge Less, Forgive More.
I kept this for at least half a year. But I don't think I made any difference even though I prayed about it.
Reflections of 2015.
Well, 2015 has been a year of changes. I've finally graduated and finished with my part time degree, left my childcare job, and found a new job. I would say that God has definitely blessed me abundantly even though I pretty much don't deserve it.
Work has been an interesting experience, meeting new people, getting to know one another more, learning the working styles. Also, I am thankful that God has used me at work in certain ways to be comfort for some. New skills have been picked up, but I only can hope that this peace will be this way for another 2 years. I know in this workplace, God has definitely placed certain people in my life to talk to me and to guide me. When I look back, God really places people in our lives at the right timing and they come to help us at the right time. Really so grateful.
For Moses and I, initially I kept saying that the relationship was stagnant. Oh I was so wrong. So many problems came up towards the end of the year and I can only be so grateful and thankful that Moses is still here with me, to be willing to go through this together, to be ever so forgiving with that big heart of his for me. Indeed God shows me so much about love through Moses.
For my family, things have been really on a rocky boat. But still, leaving it all to God and trusting that even though my Dad is almost reaching retirement age, God has plans for us and to solve our financial problems.
My walk with God has been really a "take 1 step forward take 2 steps back". Sometimes when I serve I feel like I'm just doing something that I like, which is singing. It's like my heart is not there to serve but I'm just there because I need to and that I am scheduled. But also very grateful for my cell group to always be a constant support because they are the ones who never ever judges me and I don't even have to think twice when telling them things, their prayer and support has been ever so encouraging and it is also what helped to pull me through my part time university days, and also when I struggled in the beginning of work when I felt like I couldn't fit in.
For my temperament, I may have found the reason why I have always been like that. It's a problem and I hope that somehow it would be pinpointed. Because I really feel that there's a problem and the way I react to certain stuff, it is just not right. And to certain things how I feel, like having my low self esteem, being needing attention, seeking approval everywhere.. It's just getting out of control. Hope that God will guide me through this, won't say that it'll be easy, but hopefully I'll come out of this better in control and better at being myself.
In 2015, I would not say that I have been as forgiving/graceful/loving as much as I have wanted to. I am definitely gonna work on that along with my temperament.
My resolutions for 2016!
1. To forgive myself, to accept that God's grace, to turn myself around back to God, to live freely and openly in His grace, to get rid of my low self esteem, to only seek for His approval, attention and love, and not to seek those from people.
2. To be in control
3. To be a better person, to love others just as God has loved me, to those who are unkind or unlikable, to show grace, and to forgive, at the workplace and to people and strangers around me.
4. To be a constant support for Moses and his family, and to appreciate Moses more.
5. To lose weight and cut down on snacking and food intake amounts.
6. To be an inspiration to others by letting God inspire through me.
7. To be humble at all times.
8. Appreciate my family and my loved ones more.
9. To be better at playing the guitar
10. To indulge less in spending money, be it clothes/games/gadgets.
11. To write more cards for others.
12. To continue to be thoughtful with gifts and words.
13. To continue to love work.
14. To bless others.
May 2016 be blessed for all (:
Love,
Kimberly
So.. I'm gonna be reviewing my 2015 resolutions first, followed by reflecting on 2015, and lastly, my resolutions for 2016.
So my resolutions for 2015 were;
1. Appreciate my family more
I honestly don't think I accomplished this.. maybe just a little bit.
2. Walk closer with God and able to serve more regularly
I felt that I was in and out with God, it was never like an increasing closeness but more of a "I take one step forward take 2 steps back" kinda thing... But I did serve more regularly as I finished my school.
3. Get a job with good pay and no need to work weekends
This is definitely out. Well, I got a job with good pay, good colleagues (some of which they really help you so darn much), good boss, but I need to work weekends and overtime with no OT pay.. but who's complaining? It's a job too good to be true!
4. Appreciate Moses more and continue to support him in his school and work
Probably did a little bit, but need to do more.
5. Learn to cook and bake more items that I have never done before
HAAAH nope.
6. Lose a little bit of weight and maintain
NOPE EITHER. I actually put on weight but am more regular with exercising compared to last time.
7. Study harder for the 5 months more
I did! And I've graduated!
8. Appreciate my friends around me more
Definitely. With all that has happened.
9. Become less temperamental
I wouldn't say less? But maybe trying to find the problem with this..
10. Travel to Bangkok with friends
YEAP! With yanping and bush and moses (:
11. Hopefully be able to apply for BTO
Nope. One of us have yet to work full time for 1 year.
12. Blog more: about life and topics that can help readers, also on short stories
Maybe a little bit..
13. Save more money
Maybe? But also spending power more now...
14. Love more, Judge Less, Forgive More.
I kept this for at least half a year. But I don't think I made any difference even though I prayed about it.
Reflections of 2015.
Well, 2015 has been a year of changes. I've finally graduated and finished with my part time degree, left my childcare job, and found a new job. I would say that God has definitely blessed me abundantly even though I pretty much don't deserve it.
Work has been an interesting experience, meeting new people, getting to know one another more, learning the working styles. Also, I am thankful that God has used me at work in certain ways to be comfort for some. New skills have been picked up, but I only can hope that this peace will be this way for another 2 years. I know in this workplace, God has definitely placed certain people in my life to talk to me and to guide me. When I look back, God really places people in our lives at the right timing and they come to help us at the right time. Really so grateful.
For Moses and I, initially I kept saying that the relationship was stagnant. Oh I was so wrong. So many problems came up towards the end of the year and I can only be so grateful and thankful that Moses is still here with me, to be willing to go through this together, to be ever so forgiving with that big heart of his for me. Indeed God shows me so much about love through Moses.
For my family, things have been really on a rocky boat. But still, leaving it all to God and trusting that even though my Dad is almost reaching retirement age, God has plans for us and to solve our financial problems.
My walk with God has been really a "take 1 step forward take 2 steps back". Sometimes when I serve I feel like I'm just doing something that I like, which is singing. It's like my heart is not there to serve but I'm just there because I need to and that I am scheduled. But also very grateful for my cell group to always be a constant support because they are the ones who never ever judges me and I don't even have to think twice when telling them things, their prayer and support has been ever so encouraging and it is also what helped to pull me through my part time university days, and also when I struggled in the beginning of work when I felt like I couldn't fit in.
For my temperament, I may have found the reason why I have always been like that. It's a problem and I hope that somehow it would be pinpointed. Because I really feel that there's a problem and the way I react to certain stuff, it is just not right. And to certain things how I feel, like having my low self esteem, being needing attention, seeking approval everywhere.. It's just getting out of control. Hope that God will guide me through this, won't say that it'll be easy, but hopefully I'll come out of this better in control and better at being myself.
In 2015, I would not say that I have been as forgiving/graceful/loving as much as I have wanted to. I am definitely gonna work on that along with my temperament.
My resolutions for 2016!
1. To forgive myself, to accept that God's grace, to turn myself around back to God, to live freely and openly in His grace, to get rid of my low self esteem, to only seek for His approval, attention and love, and not to seek those from people.
2. To be in control
3. To be a better person, to love others just as God has loved me, to those who are unkind or unlikable, to show grace, and to forgive, at the workplace and to people and strangers around me.
4. To be a constant support for Moses and his family, and to appreciate Moses more.
5. To lose weight and cut down on snacking and food intake amounts.
6. To be an inspiration to others by letting God inspire through me.
7. To be humble at all times.
8. Appreciate my family and my loved ones more.
9. To be better at playing the guitar
10. To indulge less in spending money, be it clothes/games/gadgets.
11. To write more cards for others.
12. To continue to be thoughtful with gifts and words.
13. To continue to love work.
14. To bless others.
May 2016 be blessed for all (:
Love,
Kimberly
Monday, November 16, 2015
23
Well, yes.
Finally 23 and working.
This year, I didn't really want a big celebration.
I think to me nowadays, birthdays are just another day.
But I really just wanna thank God for his grace and goodness, for sustaining me and giving me so many great opportunities and meeting wonderful people from when I was 22 till I turned 23.
He gave me a job within a month that I took my final paper of university. I met wonderful colleagues and bosses that are really too good to be true. My colleagues are ever so helpful and a handful of them I hang out with them going for supper and some of them really go all the way to help you. Like who does that! Like I'm so thankful that God placed them in my life. Even though in the beginning, as any newcomer would feel, I felt extremely left out and I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. But eventually everything got better. Besides that, my workplace is just less than 10 minutes away from my house. How awesome is that!? Like it can only happen because of God.
From when I was 22 till now, I finally completed my part time degree at UWA-PSB. Like I think I could only pass and for some modules I even did well when I expected myself to fail. I could only have completed my degree with God's grace. And the university people I met, the group of them are like the most awesome people ever. I also wouldn't have survived university if not for them. The times in practical sessions of chit chat and helping each other with submissions, the talking crap and making a fool out of ourselves. Thank you dear friends for accepting me for who I am, I know sometimes I might be offensive sorry!
I left my part time job after almost 2 years of working as a computer teacher. Even though I might detest teaching at times, but I must say that I do miss some of those kids. I really do hope that I have somewhat inspired some of them who are in primary school now to really do their best. Friendships with some of the teachers have been forged and hopefully these friendships still continue to stay. Candice and Faith are really nice people and they are really pretty inspiring at times. I really admire their patience with the kids and the kids' parents.
The friends that are still my friends now, thank you for still letting me be your friend. I can be pretty crazy at times. But some of these friends have seen me from a girl who was filled with so much anger (like really a chili padi) to now who I am. When I look back I really wonder how come I was filled with so much anger.... It is really quite scary... But for the past year each of us have been pretty busy, with university and work but we all try to meet up as much as we can. These friends are always there for you no matter what. I've learned how to prioritize time in the midst of juggling my studies and work.
In the past year I have been drifting in and out in my relationship with Christ. But I can only thank Him still that He has brought people into my life that is bringing me back closer to Him. Looking back, I can really see how God used certain people to talk to me and help me. Particularly recently as well. I am pretty determined to try to draw myself closer to God. And I've finally realised that God really loves me and He is so good and gracious, and who am I to deserve all that but God really cares for me, and everyone too! If God didn't care, He wouldn't have sent certain people in my life to talk to me especially when I needed it the most.
So with a grateful heart, thank you everyone who wished me, be it on facebook, instagram and personal whatsapp messages. Thank you my love, Moses for spending my birthday with me, even though it was a very simple celebration, it really means a lot to me. To my parents, thank you for making the effort to bring me out to dinner with grandma as well.
I've come to realise that it is not how big the celebration is, but how meaningful you spend your birthday is really what matters. Birthday can be just a day, but being grateful and thankful is really what matters, given that life can be so fragile with what is happening in the world. I'm just thankful to be alive, to live in a safe place, to have a family, to have a roof above my head, to have someone to love me, to have God love me so much, to have such friends that will always be there for you no matter what shit you get yourself in, to have a job, to have a great boss, to have great colleagues. Wow, really just wow. God is indeed good.
Finally 23 and working.
This year, I didn't really want a big celebration.
I think to me nowadays, birthdays are just another day.
But I really just wanna thank God for his grace and goodness, for sustaining me and giving me so many great opportunities and meeting wonderful people from when I was 22 till I turned 23.
He gave me a job within a month that I took my final paper of university. I met wonderful colleagues and bosses that are really too good to be true. My colleagues are ever so helpful and a handful of them I hang out with them going for supper and some of them really go all the way to help you. Like who does that! Like I'm so thankful that God placed them in my life. Even though in the beginning, as any newcomer would feel, I felt extremely left out and I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. But eventually everything got better. Besides that, my workplace is just less than 10 minutes away from my house. How awesome is that!? Like it can only happen because of God.
From when I was 22 till now, I finally completed my part time degree at UWA-PSB. Like I think I could only pass and for some modules I even did well when I expected myself to fail. I could only have completed my degree with God's grace. And the university people I met, the group of them are like the most awesome people ever. I also wouldn't have survived university if not for them. The times in practical sessions of chit chat and helping each other with submissions, the talking crap and making a fool out of ourselves. Thank you dear friends for accepting me for who I am, I know sometimes I might be offensive sorry!
I left my part time job after almost 2 years of working as a computer teacher. Even though I might detest teaching at times, but I must say that I do miss some of those kids. I really do hope that I have somewhat inspired some of them who are in primary school now to really do their best. Friendships with some of the teachers have been forged and hopefully these friendships still continue to stay. Candice and Faith are really nice people and they are really pretty inspiring at times. I really admire their patience with the kids and the kids' parents.
The friends that are still my friends now, thank you for still letting me be your friend. I can be pretty crazy at times. But some of these friends have seen me from a girl who was filled with so much anger (like really a chili padi) to now who I am. When I look back I really wonder how come I was filled with so much anger.... It is really quite scary... But for the past year each of us have been pretty busy, with university and work but we all try to meet up as much as we can. These friends are always there for you no matter what. I've learned how to prioritize time in the midst of juggling my studies and work.
In the past year I have been drifting in and out in my relationship with Christ. But I can only thank Him still that He has brought people into my life that is bringing me back closer to Him. Looking back, I can really see how God used certain people to talk to me and help me. Particularly recently as well. I am pretty determined to try to draw myself closer to God. And I've finally realised that God really loves me and He is so good and gracious, and who am I to deserve all that but God really cares for me, and everyone too! If God didn't care, He wouldn't have sent certain people in my life to talk to me especially when I needed it the most.
So with a grateful heart, thank you everyone who wished me, be it on facebook, instagram and personal whatsapp messages. Thank you my love, Moses for spending my birthday with me, even though it was a very simple celebration, it really means a lot to me. To my parents, thank you for making the effort to bring me out to dinner with grandma as well.
I've come to realise that it is not how big the celebration is, but how meaningful you spend your birthday is really what matters. Birthday can be just a day, but being grateful and thankful is really what matters, given that life can be so fragile with what is happening in the world. I'm just thankful to be alive, to live in a safe place, to have a family, to have a roof above my head, to have someone to love me, to have God love me so much, to have such friends that will always be there for you no matter what shit you get yourself in, to have a job, to have a great boss, to have great colleagues. Wow, really just wow. God is indeed good.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Trauma
Ever had that constant fear/trauma just because something bad happened to you once?
Well, I have.
I just thought I would share it here.
Sometimes having this trauma causes me to inconvenience others, more like I feel that I'm a burden.
Whenever after 1130pm-12mn and I reach home that late, if I am alone and nobody sends me home, I stand at the lift, praying for the lift to come quickly or that I am constantly scanning the whole area of my lobby hoping nobody comes into the lift with me, or that if someone is coming, that someone is a lady and not a man. It is a constant fear each time I encounter this situation, with heart pumping fast and scared out of my wits. I can only pray for God to protect me and keep me sane.
Why? You may ask...
Because back in June/July 2009, I was coming home, at 1030pm (mind you that's not exactly very late), I came from my secondary school's founder's day celebration. I entered the lift along with a young man who was possibly younger than me dressed in hip hop, and an old man. Just before the lift door closed, a middle age man rushed into the lift.
At that point of time, I was still plugged in my earphones and didn't think much about it. I sort of noticed that this middle aged man did not press any lift floors so I thought he stayed at the other levels. One by one the old man and the young man got off on their floors, leaving me with just this other man. Little did I think that this situation was about to change my life.
I didn't even suspect why is he also going to my level and also that I was staying on the highest floor compared to the other 2.
I was minding my own business, listening to my music, but suddenly I just felt like someone was staring at me. Like that kind of weird feeling. So I looked towards that middle age man and he smiled at me and looked down. Naturally I was wondering why and followed his gaze.... down to his unzipped pants with his hands rubbing his genitalia.
I immediately froze and switched my gaze back to the lift doors. Soon enough, the lift arrived at my floor and I walked out, towards my neighbour's door (he's a policeman) and stared at the lift door to make sure he did not walk out or else I would go crazy on my neighbour's door.
This incident has somewhat scarred me to what I am now and why I react that way when I go home after 1130pm/12midnight alone and no one is sending me back home.
I still have flashes of memories and images of that very incident but I am unable to completely form the middle age man's face, and unfortunately unable to identify at the police station. It is still that bad.
I do appreciate very much for my boyfriend who always constantly send me back home, up to my floor, in cases that we reach back after 11pm. Also, my colleagues who I have been going out for supper with and hanging out late with, they, too, send me back. I feel like I'm such a burden for causing so much trouble and initially I didn't really want to tell them about this but the last time we went out for supper and I reached back home at 12 something A.M. I really couldn't take it because there were like a couple of middle aged men standing near the lift lobby and I was scared out of my wits.
I don't have a choice in a sense that no matter how I feel like I am so damn troublesome, I have to say it because this trauma, I just can't seem to overcome it and it's really ruining my life. If I am alone and going back up alone and there is no one around that I see/hear coming I still can more or less try to manage. But when there are middle aged men around, that's when I lose it.
Even past 1030pm, I do not plug in my earphones both sides just so that I can listen out for people coming and be more wary. That's how affected I am.
I can only thank that the people I meet at my workplace and my boyfriend that despite the inconvenience that I am posing, they still are willing to send me up.
I feel blessed yet doomed in a way, because people can be so nice but it's because of this incident that I became like that.
Yeap. My HDB area has a lot of creeps.
I may not know why I decided to post this but maybe is to also tell others that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to tell people. Because there are people out there who will understand and help you. Don't be afraid! :)
In God's love,
Kimberly
xx
Well, I have.
I just thought I would share it here.
Sometimes having this trauma causes me to inconvenience others, more like I feel that I'm a burden.
Whenever after 1130pm-12mn and I reach home that late, if I am alone and nobody sends me home, I stand at the lift, praying for the lift to come quickly or that I am constantly scanning the whole area of my lobby hoping nobody comes into the lift with me, or that if someone is coming, that someone is a lady and not a man. It is a constant fear each time I encounter this situation, with heart pumping fast and scared out of my wits. I can only pray for God to protect me and keep me sane.
Why? You may ask...
Because back in June/July 2009, I was coming home, at 1030pm (mind you that's not exactly very late), I came from my secondary school's founder's day celebration. I entered the lift along with a young man who was possibly younger than me dressed in hip hop, and an old man. Just before the lift door closed, a middle age man rushed into the lift.
At that point of time, I was still plugged in my earphones and didn't think much about it. I sort of noticed that this middle aged man did not press any lift floors so I thought he stayed at the other levels. One by one the old man and the young man got off on their floors, leaving me with just this other man. Little did I think that this situation was about to change my life.
I didn't even suspect why is he also going to my level and also that I was staying on the highest floor compared to the other 2.
I was minding my own business, listening to my music, but suddenly I just felt like someone was staring at me. Like that kind of weird feeling. So I looked towards that middle age man and he smiled at me and looked down. Naturally I was wondering why and followed his gaze.... down to his unzipped pants with his hands rubbing his genitalia.
I immediately froze and switched my gaze back to the lift doors. Soon enough, the lift arrived at my floor and I walked out, towards my neighbour's door (he's a policeman) and stared at the lift door to make sure he did not walk out or else I would go crazy on my neighbour's door.
This incident has somewhat scarred me to what I am now and why I react that way when I go home after 1130pm/12midnight alone and no one is sending me back home.
I still have flashes of memories and images of that very incident but I am unable to completely form the middle age man's face, and unfortunately unable to identify at the police station. It is still that bad.
I do appreciate very much for my boyfriend who always constantly send me back home, up to my floor, in cases that we reach back after 11pm. Also, my colleagues who I have been going out for supper with and hanging out late with, they, too, send me back. I feel like I'm such a burden for causing so much trouble and initially I didn't really want to tell them about this but the last time we went out for supper and I reached back home at 12 something A.M. I really couldn't take it because there were like a couple of middle aged men standing near the lift lobby and I was scared out of my wits.
I don't have a choice in a sense that no matter how I feel like I am so damn troublesome, I have to say it because this trauma, I just can't seem to overcome it and it's really ruining my life. If I am alone and going back up alone and there is no one around that I see/hear coming I still can more or less try to manage. But when there are middle aged men around, that's when I lose it.
Even past 1030pm, I do not plug in my earphones both sides just so that I can listen out for people coming and be more wary. That's how affected I am.
I can only thank that the people I meet at my workplace and my boyfriend that despite the inconvenience that I am posing, they still are willing to send me up.
I feel blessed yet doomed in a way, because people can be so nice but it's because of this incident that I became like that.
Yeap. My HDB area has a lot of creeps.
I may not know why I decided to post this but maybe is to also tell others that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to tell people. Because there are people out there who will understand and help you. Don't be afraid! :)
In God's love,
Kimberly
xx
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