23

Well, yes.

Finally 23 and working.

This year, I didn't really want a big celebration.

I think to me nowadays, birthdays are just another day.

But I really just wanna thank God for his grace and goodness, for sustaining me and giving me so many great opportunities and meeting wonderful people from when I was 22 till I turned 23.

He gave me a job within a month that I took my final paper of university. I met wonderful colleagues and bosses that are really too good to be true. My colleagues are ever so helpful and a handful of them I hang out with them going for supper and some of them really go all the way to help you. Like who does that! Like I'm so thankful that God placed them in my life. Even though in the beginning, as any newcomer would feel, I felt extremely left out and I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. But eventually everything got better. Besides that, my workplace is just less than 10 minutes away from my house. How awesome is that!? Like it can only happen because of God.

From when I was 22 till now, I finally completed my part time degree at UWA-PSB. Like I think I could only pass and for some modules I even did well when I expected myself to fail. I could only have completed my degree with God's grace. And the university people I met, the group of them are like the most awesome people ever. I also wouldn't have survived university if not for them. The times in practical sessions of chit chat and helping each other with submissions, the talking crap and making a fool out of ourselves. Thank you dear friends for accepting me for who I am, I know sometimes I might be offensive sorry!

I left my part time job after almost 2 years of working as a computer teacher. Even though I might detest teaching at times, but I must say that I do miss some of those kids. I really do hope that I have somewhat inspired some of them who are in primary school now to really do their best. Friendships with some of the teachers have been forged and hopefully these friendships still continue to stay. Candice and Faith are really nice people and they are really pretty inspiring at times. I really admire their patience with the kids and the kids' parents.

The friends that are still my friends now, thank you for still letting me be your friend. I can be pretty crazy at times. But some of these friends have seen me from a girl who was filled with so much anger (like really a chili padi) to now who I am. When I look back I really wonder how come I was filled with so much anger.... It is really quite scary... But for the past year each of us have been pretty busy, with university and work but we all try to meet up as much as we can. These friends are always there for you no matter what. I've learned how to prioritize time in the midst of juggling my studies and work.

In the past year I have been drifting in and out in my relationship with Christ. But I can only thank Him still that He has brought people into my life that is bringing me back closer to Him. Looking back, I can really see how God used certain people to talk to me and help me. Particularly recently as well. I am pretty determined to try to draw myself closer to God. And I've finally realised that God really loves me and He is so good and gracious, and who am I to deserve all that but God really cares for me, and everyone too! If God didn't care, He wouldn't have sent certain people in my life to talk to me especially when I needed it the most.


So with a grateful heart, thank you everyone who wished me, be it on facebook, instagram and personal whatsapp messages. Thank you my love, Moses for spending my birthday with me, even though it was a very simple celebration, it really means a lot to me. To my parents, thank you for making the effort to bring me out to dinner with grandma as well.

I've come to realise that it is not how big the celebration is, but how meaningful you spend your birthday is really what matters. Birthday can be just a day, but being grateful and thankful is really what matters, given that life can be so fragile with what is happening in the world. I'm just thankful to be alive, to live in a safe place, to have a family, to have a roof above my head, to have someone to love me, to have God love me so much, to have such friends that will always be there for you no matter what shit you get yourself in, to have a job, to have a great boss, to have great colleagues. Wow, really just wow. God is indeed good.

Trauma

Ever had that constant fear/trauma just because something bad happened to you once?

Well, I have.

I just thought I would share it here.

Sometimes having this trauma causes me to inconvenience others, more like I feel that I'm a burden.

Whenever after 1130pm-12mn and I reach home that late, if I am alone and nobody sends me home, I stand at the lift, praying for the lift to come quickly or that I am constantly scanning the whole area of my lobby hoping nobody comes into the lift with me, or that if someone is coming, that someone is a lady and not a man. It is a constant fear each time I encounter this situation, with heart pumping fast and scared out of my wits. I can only pray for God to protect me and keep me sane.

Why? You may ask...

Because back in June/July 2009, I was coming home, at 1030pm (mind you that's not exactly very late), I came from my secondary school's founder's day celebration. I entered the lift along with a young man who was possibly younger than me dressed in hip hop, and an old man. Just before the lift door closed, a middle age man rushed into the lift.

At that point of time, I was still plugged in my earphones and didn't think much about it. I sort of noticed that this middle aged man did not press any lift floors so I thought he stayed at the other levels. One by one the old man and the young man got off on their floors, leaving me with just this other man. Little did I think that this situation was about to change my life.

I didn't even suspect why is he also going to my level and also that I was staying on the highest floor compared to the other 2.

I was minding my own business, listening to my music, but suddenly I just felt like someone was staring at me. Like that kind of weird feeling. So I looked towards that middle age man and he smiled at me and looked down. Naturally I was wondering why and followed his gaze.... down to his unzipped pants with his hands rubbing his genitalia.

I immediately froze and switched my gaze back to the lift doors. Soon enough, the lift arrived at my floor and I walked out, towards my neighbour's door (he's a policeman) and stared at the lift door to make sure he did not walk out or else I would go crazy on my neighbour's door.


This incident has somewhat scarred me to what I am now and why I react that way when I go home after 1130pm/12midnight alone and no one is sending me back home.

I still have flashes of memories and images of that very incident but I am unable to completely form the middle age man's face, and unfortunately unable to identify at the police station. It is still that bad.

 I do appreciate very much for my boyfriend who always constantly send me back home, up to my floor, in cases that we reach back after 11pm. Also, my colleagues who I have been going out for supper with and hanging out late with, they, too, send me back. I feel like I'm such a burden for causing so much trouble and initially I didn't really want to tell them about this but the last time we went out for supper and I reached back home at 12 something A.M. I really couldn't take it because there were like a couple of middle aged men standing near the lift lobby and I was scared out of my wits.

I don't have a choice in a sense that no matter how I feel like I am so damn troublesome, I have to say it because this trauma, I just can't seem to overcome it and it's really ruining my life. If I am alone and going back up alone and there is no one around that I see/hear coming I still can more or less try to manage. But when there are middle aged men around, that's when I lose it.

Even past 1030pm, I do not plug in my earphones both sides just so that I can listen out for people coming and be more wary. That's how affected I am.

I can only thank that the people I meet at my workplace and my boyfriend that despite the inconvenience that I am posing, they still are willing to send me up.

I feel blessed yet doomed in a way, because people can be so nice but it's because of this incident that I became like that.

Yeap. My HDB area has a lot of creeps.


I may not know why I decided to post this but maybe is to also tell others that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to tell people. Because there are people out there who will understand and help you. Don't be afraid! :)


In God's love,


Kimberly

xx

ZipperLips

She sits in the corner of the table
People around her laughs, she smiles
Oh, they're talking about something she knows
But
Zipperlips
She thinks back of the last time she tried to fit in
The conversation
Everyone was silent
And carried on with their conversation

She perks up every time
They mention something she knows
She wants to add in
She wants to join in
But
Zipperlips

Maybe
Zipperlips
Would probably be the best
Would save her from being embarrassed
From making any mistakes
The words that comes out of her mouth

Sometimes
Zipperlips
Would probably be the only way
To maybe try to fit in
To just have her opinions to herself

But
Zipperlips
No one knows what she's thinking
No one knows how she's feeling
No one
Knows

She thinks
It is still better this way

Zipperlips

My Brother. Not.

This is my brother. Not. HAHAHA okay for real, he isn't my blood brother, but he is my god-brother.

And he's back from London after 9 months of school! Really proud of him to have gone through first year of his medical school. I know he might be mistaken as my boyfriend hahahaha. He is actually 1 year younger than me, and we've known each other for 9 years already!

There's a little history behind our friendship (not relationship please) and here goes! It's pretty funny how we ended up as god-siblings.

He was a secondary 1 student that entered choir. And because at that point of time, his voice hadn't broken yet, he could sing pretty high and was posted to Sopranos. And as a secondary 2, I was definitely closer to the secondary 1s as we were the next oldest to them. Funny as it can be, he was SO annoying. REALLY annoying. THAT annoying little brat that abuses his high pitched voice and disturbs EVERYONE.

In secondary 2, still a BRAT. And guess what? He decided to do the most outrageous thing ever. I was in the school canteen and so was he. He washed his hands and guess where he wiped dry his hands? ON MY BACK. THE BACK OF MY SCHOOL UNIFORM. I was SO pissed at that time and I was complaining to my friends who were also in the canteen and they were pretty upset too. By this year he already moved to the Tenors because his voice started breaking.

As the months passed then he became more and more mature (YAY FOR ME) and wasn't as childish as he used to be. Surprisingly we actually got closer as friends and I can't even remember whether was it him who asked me to become his god-sister or the other way round, anyway, we became god-siblings in that year that he was secondary 2 and i was secondary 3.

From there I was always there to help him and guide him, as he did for me and shared his problems, be it love problems or friend problems, and not forgetting his hamster problems. And there was once on my birthday where we both went for choir late along with another friend and I was actually a student leader in the choir at that point of time. I can't remember where I placed those neoprints we took on that day at the old mall which is now replaced by JCUBE.

I think the most funny thing that happened to him was that he eventually went into the Bass section. Sadly he didn't even get posted into the Altos if not he would probably be the first person to be in all sections for his secondary school life.

I also remember that there was a time that this girl he liked eventually left him to be with a guy that I liked before. (WEIRD AYE)

I was so proud of him when I found out that he did so well for his 'O' Levels and was top of the school. He was an average student when I was still studying in Fairfield and I honestly think it was God's grace that he did so well. He wanted to get into Ngee Ann Polytechnic so that he would be able to study at the same place as I am, but eventually his parents did not let him do that and got him to go to VJC. Though he was upset and I was a little upset, I am glad that eventually he listened to his parents and got into VJC which helped to groom him as he had the potential to.

He has matured so much from 9 years back and I've seen him grow up to what he is right now.Even my mum commented that he has grown up so much and she probably wouldn't be able to recognize him on the streets. I still have his letter dated 21st April 2012, which was the year that I was taking my 'O' Levels, and I have still left it on my wall. It's actually a very sweet letter and he even laminated it for me hahahaha.

I hope that this friendship will continue to last and that we will always continue to keep in contact even though he would be far away again in London after September this year and hopefully I will have the chance to visit him in London as well as my aunty and my cousin too!

Cheers (HAHAHAHAHHA inside joke) dude.

To more lasting and longer friendship years ahead of us.


xx