Trauma

Ever had that constant fear/trauma just because something bad happened to you once?

Well, I have.

I just thought I would share it here.

Sometimes having this trauma causes me to inconvenience others, more like I feel that I'm a burden.

Whenever after 1130pm-12mn and I reach home that late, if I am alone and nobody sends me home, I stand at the lift, praying for the lift to come quickly or that I am constantly scanning the whole area of my lobby hoping nobody comes into the lift with me, or that if someone is coming, that someone is a lady and not a man. It is a constant fear each time I encounter this situation, with heart pumping fast and scared out of my wits. I can only pray for God to protect me and keep me sane.

Why? You may ask...

Because back in June/July 2009, I was coming home, at 1030pm (mind you that's not exactly very late), I came from my secondary school's founder's day celebration. I entered the lift along with a young man who was possibly younger than me dressed in hip hop, and an old man. Just before the lift door closed, a middle age man rushed into the lift.

At that point of time, I was still plugged in my earphones and didn't think much about it. I sort of noticed that this middle aged man did not press any lift floors so I thought he stayed at the other levels. One by one the old man and the young man got off on their floors, leaving me with just this other man. Little did I think that this situation was about to change my life.

I didn't even suspect why is he also going to my level and also that I was staying on the highest floor compared to the other 2.

I was minding my own business, listening to my music, but suddenly I just felt like someone was staring at me. Like that kind of weird feeling. So I looked towards that middle age man and he smiled at me and looked down. Naturally I was wondering why and followed his gaze.... down to his unzipped pants with his hands rubbing his genitalia.

I immediately froze and switched my gaze back to the lift doors. Soon enough, the lift arrived at my floor and I walked out, towards my neighbour's door (he's a policeman) and stared at the lift door to make sure he did not walk out or else I would go crazy on my neighbour's door.


This incident has somewhat scarred me to what I am now and why I react that way when I go home after 1130pm/12midnight alone and no one is sending me back home.

I still have flashes of memories and images of that very incident but I am unable to completely form the middle age man's face, and unfortunately unable to identify at the police station. It is still that bad.

 I do appreciate very much for my boyfriend who always constantly send me back home, up to my floor, in cases that we reach back after 11pm. Also, my colleagues who I have been going out for supper with and hanging out late with, they, too, send me back. I feel like I'm such a burden for causing so much trouble and initially I didn't really want to tell them about this but the last time we went out for supper and I reached back home at 12 something A.M. I really couldn't take it because there were like a couple of middle aged men standing near the lift lobby and I was scared out of my wits.

I don't have a choice in a sense that no matter how I feel like I am so damn troublesome, I have to say it because this trauma, I just can't seem to overcome it and it's really ruining my life. If I am alone and going back up alone and there is no one around that I see/hear coming I still can more or less try to manage. But when there are middle aged men around, that's when I lose it.

Even past 1030pm, I do not plug in my earphones both sides just so that I can listen out for people coming and be more wary. That's how affected I am.

I can only thank that the people I meet at my workplace and my boyfriend that despite the inconvenience that I am posing, they still are willing to send me up.

I feel blessed yet doomed in a way, because people can be so nice but it's because of this incident that I became like that.

Yeap. My HDB area has a lot of creeps.


I may not know why I decided to post this but maybe is to also tell others that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to tell people. Because there are people out there who will understand and help you. Don't be afraid! :)


In God's love,


Kimberly

xx