Trauma

Ever had that constant fear/trauma just because something bad happened to you once?

Well, I have.

I just thought I would share it here.

Sometimes having this trauma causes me to inconvenience others, more like I feel that I'm a burden.

Whenever after 1130pm-12mn and I reach home that late, if I am alone and nobody sends me home, I stand at the lift, praying for the lift to come quickly or that I am constantly scanning the whole area of my lobby hoping nobody comes into the lift with me, or that if someone is coming, that someone is a lady and not a man. It is a constant fear each time I encounter this situation, with heart pumping fast and scared out of my wits. I can only pray for God to protect me and keep me sane.

Why? You may ask...

Because back in June/July 2009, I was coming home, at 1030pm (mind you that's not exactly very late), I came from my secondary school's founder's day celebration. I entered the lift along with a young man who was possibly younger than me dressed in hip hop, and an old man. Just before the lift door closed, a middle age man rushed into the lift.

At that point of time, I was still plugged in my earphones and didn't think much about it. I sort of noticed that this middle aged man did not press any lift floors so I thought he stayed at the other levels. One by one the old man and the young man got off on their floors, leaving me with just this other man. Little did I think that this situation was about to change my life.

I didn't even suspect why is he also going to my level and also that I was staying on the highest floor compared to the other 2.

I was minding my own business, listening to my music, but suddenly I just felt like someone was staring at me. Like that kind of weird feeling. So I looked towards that middle age man and he smiled at me and looked down. Naturally I was wondering why and followed his gaze.... down to his unzipped pants with his hands rubbing his genitalia.

I immediately froze and switched my gaze back to the lift doors. Soon enough, the lift arrived at my floor and I walked out, towards my neighbour's door (he's a policeman) and stared at the lift door to make sure he did not walk out or else I would go crazy on my neighbour's door.


This incident has somewhat scarred me to what I am now and why I react that way when I go home after 1130pm/12midnight alone and no one is sending me back home.

I still have flashes of memories and images of that very incident but I am unable to completely form the middle age man's face, and unfortunately unable to identify at the police station. It is still that bad.

 I do appreciate very much for my boyfriend who always constantly send me back home, up to my floor, in cases that we reach back after 11pm. Also, my colleagues who I have been going out for supper with and hanging out late with, they, too, send me back. I feel like I'm such a burden for causing so much trouble and initially I didn't really want to tell them about this but the last time we went out for supper and I reached back home at 12 something A.M. I really couldn't take it because there were like a couple of middle aged men standing near the lift lobby and I was scared out of my wits.

I don't have a choice in a sense that no matter how I feel like I am so damn troublesome, I have to say it because this trauma, I just can't seem to overcome it and it's really ruining my life. If I am alone and going back up alone and there is no one around that I see/hear coming I still can more or less try to manage. But when there are middle aged men around, that's when I lose it.

Even past 1030pm, I do not plug in my earphones both sides just so that I can listen out for people coming and be more wary. That's how affected I am.

I can only thank that the people I meet at my workplace and my boyfriend that despite the inconvenience that I am posing, they still are willing to send me up.

I feel blessed yet doomed in a way, because people can be so nice but it's because of this incident that I became like that.

Yeap. My HDB area has a lot of creeps.


I may not know why I decided to post this but maybe is to also tell others that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to tell people. Because there are people out there who will understand and help you. Don't be afraid! :)


In God's love,


Kimberly

xx

ZipperLips

She sits in the corner of the table
People around her laughs, she smiles
Oh, they're talking about something she knows
But
Zipperlips
She thinks back of the last time she tried to fit in
The conversation
Everyone was silent
And carried on with their conversation

She perks up every time
They mention something she knows
She wants to add in
She wants to join in
But
Zipperlips

Maybe
Zipperlips
Would probably be the best
Would save her from being embarrassed
From making any mistakes
The words that comes out of her mouth

Sometimes
Zipperlips
Would probably be the only way
To maybe try to fit in
To just have her opinions to herself

But
Zipperlips
No one knows what she's thinking
No one knows how she's feeling
No one
Knows

She thinks
It is still better this way

Zipperlips

My Brother. Not.

This is my brother. Not. HAHAHA okay for real, he isn't my blood brother, but he is my god-brother.

And he's back from London after 9 months of school! Really proud of him to have gone through first year of his medical school. I know he might be mistaken as my boyfriend hahahaha. He is actually 1 year younger than me, and we've known each other for 9 years already!

There's a little history behind our friendship (not relationship please) and here goes! It's pretty funny how we ended up as god-siblings.

He was a secondary 1 student that entered choir. And because at that point of time, his voice hadn't broken yet, he could sing pretty high and was posted to Sopranos. And as a secondary 2, I was definitely closer to the secondary 1s as we were the next oldest to them. Funny as it can be, he was SO annoying. REALLY annoying. THAT annoying little brat that abuses his high pitched voice and disturbs EVERYONE.

In secondary 2, still a BRAT. And guess what? He decided to do the most outrageous thing ever. I was in the school canteen and so was he. He washed his hands and guess where he wiped dry his hands? ON MY BACK. THE BACK OF MY SCHOOL UNIFORM. I was SO pissed at that time and I was complaining to my friends who were also in the canteen and they were pretty upset too. By this year he already moved to the Tenors because his voice started breaking.

As the months passed then he became more and more mature (YAY FOR ME) and wasn't as childish as he used to be. Surprisingly we actually got closer as friends and I can't even remember whether was it him who asked me to become his god-sister or the other way round, anyway, we became god-siblings in that year that he was secondary 2 and i was secondary 3.

From there I was always there to help him and guide him, as he did for me and shared his problems, be it love problems or friend problems, and not forgetting his hamster problems. And there was once on my birthday where we both went for choir late along with another friend and I was actually a student leader in the choir at that point of time. I can't remember where I placed those neoprints we took on that day at the old mall which is now replaced by JCUBE.

I think the most funny thing that happened to him was that he eventually went into the Bass section. Sadly he didn't even get posted into the Altos if not he would probably be the first person to be in all sections for his secondary school life.

I also remember that there was a time that this girl he liked eventually left him to be with a guy that I liked before. (WEIRD AYE)

I was so proud of him when I found out that he did so well for his 'O' Levels and was top of the school. He was an average student when I was still studying in Fairfield and I honestly think it was God's grace that he did so well. He wanted to get into Ngee Ann Polytechnic so that he would be able to study at the same place as I am, but eventually his parents did not let him do that and got him to go to VJC. Though he was upset and I was a little upset, I am glad that eventually he listened to his parents and got into VJC which helped to groom him as he had the potential to.

He has matured so much from 9 years back and I've seen him grow up to what he is right now.Even my mum commented that he has grown up so much and she probably wouldn't be able to recognize him on the streets. I still have his letter dated 21st April 2012, which was the year that I was taking my 'O' Levels, and I have still left it on my wall. It's actually a very sweet letter and he even laminated it for me hahahaha.

I hope that this friendship will continue to last and that we will always continue to keep in contact even though he would be far away again in London after September this year and hopefully I will have the chance to visit him in London as well as my aunty and my cousin too!

Cheers (HAHAHAHAHHA inside joke) dude.

To more lasting and longer friendship years ahead of us.


xx

2014

As 2014 comes to a close, I would say this year has passed really fast. There are always ups and downs, but just wanna use this time to reflect.

School is still ongoing, but 5 more months left till I finish my final paper. I thank God for seeing me through the tough times in school, getting unexpected results that I don't deserve and it could only come from God. I really like to thank my school mates for enduring my quirky side in school, I think I might have irritated them at times though. Thank you Denise (best lab partnerrrr), Jiahao, Rachel, Daniaal, Yuguang and also Fateha for the great and funny times in the lab! note to self: must take photo with everybody before last computer lab ends! because jiahao and rachel would be graduating!

Work has been a bout of ups and downs, sometimes by the principals, sometimes by the company, and God showed me ways of dealing with these matters properly and calmly. Till this day I still regret sometimes about leaving NUS. But definitely this current job has given me more experience and opened my eyes to children and God used this to teach me patience and to be less temperamental (Which I have been praying for). I do miss my K2 kids because all of them are moving up to Primary 1, I pray that all of them will do well and excel in school. I have 4 more months with this company, because in May would be my last month of school and I really wanna focus properly on my last paper and also will be looking for a new job then.

Work wise I have been talking to some friends who have already been working in the science industry for a while, it seems like I might be going back to research field if God's plan for me is to go back to research. I think probably my first full time job was a little overwhelming because of the work load and the job scope (if you know me personally you would know the horror of my job). But I am going to trust God to put me somewhere that I can manage and where I am supposed to be.


My walk with God this year also hasn't been always good, I hope 2015 will be a better and closer walk with Him. I have been on and off serving in church because of my school schedule, so it hasn't been very constant so far. I was part of the committee in SHINE youth sunday, so it was a little tough handling the baking team as well as juggling school and work. Thank you nigel for being understanding (: This year was a year of change for the SHINE youth, we were in new cell groups and new system, it was quite a big change because praise and worship was going to be by the youth and not with the adult service anymore, also cell was being done after youth service, which was good for me because I haven't been able to attend cell last time due to my curfew and school. Christmas was great too with the cell group!

 I had my first family trip to bangkok after many years and because my sister and I planned the itinerary, it was nice seeing my parents relaxed and not having to worry. To more yearly trips!



As for my relationship, it was yet another year of new experiences with Moses going into the uni. This year was also a year I spent more time around his friends which I enjoyed very much (: Getting new experiences, hanging out and talking and playing games. Next year 2015 would mark 5 years of being together! It really has been quite fast, it seems only 2 years since we have been together. As we grow together, more matters comes up and more serious topics comes up. I won't digress to details ;) I really am grateful for Moses always trying to be there for me.

I also like to thank my 2 best friends, Carissa and Ain, for continually being there for me since we graduated from Poly. This friendship between the 3 of us has not been easy, due to not being able to meet up often, Carissa going to Australia to study for a year, me being busy with work and studies. Hopefully 2015 we can meet up more often!

Definitely looking forward to 2015!

My resolutions for 2015:
1. Appreciate my family more
2. Walk closer with God and able to serve more regularly
3. Get a job with good pay and no need to work weekends
4. Appreciate Moses more and continue to support him in his school and work
5. Learn to cook and bake more items that I have never done before
6. Lose a little bit of weight and maintain
7. Study harder for the 5 months more
8. Appreciate my friends around me more
9. Become less temperamental
10. Travel to Bangkok with friends
11. Hopefully be able to apply for BTO
12. Blog more: about life and topics that can help readers, also on short stories
13. Save more money
14. Love more, Judge Less, Forgive More.

Happy 2015 to all!


xx

The What Ifs.

When I get reminded of you, I sometimes think whether the decision I made was correct.

But yet again, God reminds me that there was a reason why it didn't work out.

I'm glad to have met you still, to have you be part of my life, even if it was just a small tiny part of my life.

I think God has used you to tell me that certain things can't or won't happen for a reason.

That in fact the decision I ultimately made was the right thing to do.

Thinking about the what ifs.

What if, I had given that chance.

What if, it worked out in the end.

Sometimes, I am scared of thinking of these certain "what ifs". Because I already know what the outcome would be like.

My life would have been drastically different. I would have been drawn further and further away from God. I wouldn't be serving in church, that's for sure.

To think of all these possibilities, it scares me.


To be running my life so differently. I just can't go there. With what I have now, to be getting closer and closer to God, I am really quite happy with where I am now. With my eyes opening to the world, to see true friends, even to know new people, to be serving and taking up opportunities, to have met such a good best friend who is also the love of my life, who really, I can't say thank you enough for, God made all these happen.


x

The Beginning

They started out as strangers, both from different secondary schools.
He had a sports background, she had a performing arts background.
By chance, they went to the same polytechnic and same faculty, but different courses.
She attended the school's freshmen orientation camp, he did not.
Somehow, they both joined the same CCA, both wanting to try something new.

Trainings went by, some people left the CCA,some people stayed.
As the group of newbies grew smaller, the people who stayed grew closer to each other.
They became friends, just on the surface, slowly, they started talking in groups.
Camps after camps they bonded with the friends, unknowingly they soon became good friends.
She found out he was Christian too, a rare friend who shared the same religion.

Events went by, they happened to join the same performance item, dance.
Again through dance training they bonded, not knowing what the future had in store for them.
After the event was over, they continued to meet up just to dance along with other friends.
She had liked another guy, he was looking on quietly.

She had many crushes, he had one - her.
She soon gave up on the current crush because she knew it was impossible.
He watched quietly from the side, not knowing what was happening.
He kept his feelings to himself.

She started to notice him, his laughter and his kindness.
He still kept thinking that she would still hold on to her crush, not wanting to let go.
She happen to meet him at the bus stop outside school one day whilst going home.
They said goodbyes and she climbed the overhead bridge to get to the other side of the road.
As she was on the overhead bridge, she happened to notice.
Something she hasn't seen before.

He was watching.
Watching her as she made her way to the bus stop on the other side.
Quietly, he watched, not making it noticeable to his friends with him.
But she noticed.
That was when it begun.

------


x

Eczema

Hello world!

Decided to take on the topic of eczema today! Nowadays, there are actually quite a number of people who have eczema problem. Some minor and some major problem.

For me, I have a major problem. Sometimes I find myself scratching in the middle of the night unconsciously. And that is terrible. Eczema has actually integrated into my life that I have gotten used to it. It gives me ugly legs that makes me always envy other girls who have flawless legs. After many years, I have learnt to live with it. That it will always be a part of me that I can't change.

I had eczema ever since I was in primary school. When all of us were made to sit under hot sun and all, that's when all the perspiring came and the eczema came. Initially it wasn't such a big deal, I thought it was normal and people perspire a lot and itch at the back of the knee. My arms too at the joint. So began the scratching until my mum noticed the red splotches at those particular places.

She then brought me to see a skin specialist, and to me that was "Eczema" cream. From then I knew I had eczema already. But as I grew older, I became more active, running around, exercising, producing more sweat. So I guess sweat was one of the causes of my eczema. Also, prawns started to become one of the things that makes my eczema active :( I know, that's really sad. So I try not to eat so much prawn, more or less stay off it, and only eating it on rare occasions.

Eczema has been such a pain in my life. Honestly there was a period of time I was so ashamed of my legs. I can't control the itch, I would unconsciously scratch it be it when I am awake or sleeping, more of sleeping because when I am awake if I am very much aware, I try not to scratch. But if I am concentrating on something then I might scratch because I wouldn't be aware.

With this problem, I know I can't be a model. Yes I know, I used to want to become a model. But because of my ugly legs, I don't think I would ever be able to become one. Also, I wore pants, jeans, practically stayed away from shorts, skirts and dressed because I was so ashamed of showing my legs to the public. I didn't want people to know I had this problem, I didn't want to see people judging because of my legs.

I am very thankful for the constant support of my boyfriend Moses, because he always kept pushing me to wear dresses for him when we go out. He accepts that I have ugly legs and loves me for who I am. This gave me the confidence and the attitude to not care about what other people think. My mum has been quite critical about my eczema,and she touches it too when I tell her not to because honestly like the simplest touch can set my eczema spots itching.

Recently I have also went to the National Skin Centre as my eczema was getting way worse than before. Like there were lesions and all. The thick ones that ooze out clear liquid. So the doctor gave me a not so strong steroid cream, and also she and her mentor explained to me about my body, that I have more 100x more IgE in my body. IgE are actually things in our body that react to allergens that our body touches or encounters, be it environment, the things we touch. So my body goes on crazy mode and reacts like a mad .... how do I call it, mechanism? So thus the itch comes.

Eczema can't be cured yet, but it can be controlled. These are the few things I've picked up and would like to share with those who have the same problem;

1. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize
I get patches on my hands as well also because I think I am allergic to latex gloves, and me studying science means gloves on during practical sessions. But nowadays I use non-latex gloves to prevent the itch. I always bring a tube of hand cream with me everywhere I go because it is really good and helpful to curb the itch. Also nowadays I bring a small tube that I bought from daiso and stored aloe vera gel in it. For me aloe vera gel has been pretty effective, even though it may not work as well for other people. I am also using QV cream, that is my night cream before I sleep, to put on the eczema patches to keep it moisturized throughout the night, as I sleep with air conditioning as I will perspire if it gets too hot and stuffy and eczema will become worse.

2. Shower with WARM water
Hot water actually makes the eczema become more active.

3. If you know what triggers the eczema, be it food.. try not to eat them so often
Well, it helps to control the itch...

4. Take showers often (with warm water)
It is good to keep yourself clean especially with eczema, because you need to wash away the sweat.

5. With steroid creams, they do help, but apply thinly
Steroid cream curbs the itches, they really do, but because they thin the skin, so use sparingly. I know it's difficult to stay off the cream but yeah. Moisturize after the cream dries!

6. Go swimming often
The chlorine in the pools actually help to dry up the eczema spots! But for girls, maybe just take a dip without wetting your hair because chlorine damages hair.

7. Refrain from wearing thick clothing on eczema spots
Wearing thick clothing, for me on the legs where my eczema is at the worst, it makes it worse as it gets really hot in the middle of the day and my legs will start sweating and the itching will come.

I think that is all, but to those who have eczema, don't be ashamed. It is what we are born with (: I sometimes also do get it on my face when the weather in Singapore gets hot and humid, it goes to my neck and sometimes back.

When I feel like the eczema on my face is coming back (starts to have little spots) I stay off makeup for like a week and just use sunblock on my face.

Don't care what other people think. There are many of us with the same problem! Don't be ashamed of yourself. Love yourself for who you are, the scars and the spots on your body caused by eczema don't define you.

x