Reviewing my 2015 resolutions/ reflections/ Resolutions for 2016

It's been ages since I've had the time to sit down and blog. But what inspired me to write today was during Michell's farewell dinner, we had a time of thanksgiving for 2015 and sharing of our resolutions for 2016.

So.. I'm gonna be reviewing my 2015 resolutions first, followed by reflecting on 2015, and lastly, my resolutions for 2016.

So my resolutions for 2015 were;

1. Appreciate my family more
I honestly don't think I accomplished this.. maybe just a little bit.
2. Walk closer with God and able to serve more regularly
I felt that I was in and out with God, it was never like an increasing closeness but more of a "I take one step forward take 2 steps back" kinda thing... But I did serve more regularly as I finished my school.
3. Get a job with good pay and no need to work weekends
This is definitely out. Well, I got a job with good pay, good colleagues (some of which they really help you so darn much), good boss, but I need to work weekends and overtime with no OT pay.. but who's complaining? It's a job too good to be true!
4. Appreciate Moses more and continue to support him in his school and work
Probably did a little bit, but need to do more.
5. Learn to cook and bake more items that I have never done before
HAAAH nope.
6. Lose a little bit of weight and maintain
NOPE EITHER. I actually put on weight but am more regular with exercising compared to last time.
7. Study harder for the 5 months more
I did! And I've graduated!
8. Appreciate my friends around me more
Definitely. With all that has happened.
9. Become less temperamental
I wouldn't say less? But maybe trying to find the problem with this..
10. Travel to Bangkok with friends
YEAP! With yanping and bush and moses (:
11. Hopefully be able to apply for BTO
Nope. One of us have yet to work full time for 1 year.
12. Blog more: about life and topics that can help readers, also on short stories
Maybe a little bit..
13. Save more money
Maybe? But also spending power more now...
14. Love more, Judge Less, Forgive More.
I kept this for at least half a year. But I don't think I made any difference even though I prayed about it.


Reflections of 2015.

Well, 2015 has been a year of changes. I've finally graduated and finished with my part time degree, left my childcare job, and found a new job. I would say that God has definitely blessed me abundantly even though I pretty much don't deserve it.

Work has been an interesting experience, meeting new people, getting to know one another more, learning the working styles. Also, I am thankful that God has used me at work in certain ways to be comfort for some. New skills have been picked up, but I only can hope that this peace will be this way for another 2 years. I know in this workplace, God has definitely placed certain people in my life to talk to me and to guide me. When I look back, God really places people in our lives at the right timing and they come to help us at the right time. Really so grateful.

For Moses and I, initially I kept saying that the relationship was stagnant. Oh I was so wrong. So many problems came up towards the end of the year and I can only be so grateful and thankful that Moses is still here with me, to be willing to go through this together, to be ever so forgiving with that big heart of his for me. Indeed God shows me so much about love through Moses.

For my family, things have been really on a rocky boat. But still, leaving it all to God and trusting that even though my Dad is almost reaching retirement age, God has plans for us and to solve our financial problems.

My walk with God has been really a "take 1 step forward take 2 steps back". Sometimes when I serve I feel like I'm just doing something that I like, which is singing. It's like my heart is not there to serve but I'm just there because I need to and that I am scheduled. But also very grateful for my cell group to always be a constant support because they are the ones who never ever judges me and I don't even have to think twice when telling them things, their prayer and support has been ever so encouraging and it is also what helped to pull me through my part time university days, and also when I struggled in the beginning of work when I felt like I couldn't fit in.

For my temperament, I may have found the reason why I have always been like that. It's a problem and I hope that somehow it would be pinpointed. Because I really feel that there's a problem and the way I react to certain stuff, it is just not right. And to certain things how I feel, like having my low self esteem, being needing attention, seeking approval everywhere.. It's just getting out of control. Hope that God will guide me through this, won't say that it'll be easy, but hopefully I'll come out of this better in control and better at being myself. 

In 2015, I would not say that I have been as forgiving/graceful/loving as much as I have wanted to. I am definitely gonna work on that along with my temperament. 


My resolutions for  2016!

1. To forgive myself, to accept that God's grace, to turn myself around back to God, to live freely and openly in His grace, to get rid of my low self esteem, to only seek for His approval, attention and love, and not to seek those from people.
2. To be in control
3. To be a better person, to love others just as God has loved me, to those who are unkind or unlikable, to show grace, and to forgive, at the workplace and to people and strangers around me.
4. To be a constant support for Moses and his family, and to appreciate Moses more.
5. To lose weight and cut down on snacking and food intake amounts.
6. To be an inspiration to others by letting God inspire through me.
7. To be humble at all times.
8. Appreciate my family and my loved ones more.
9. To be better at playing the guitar
10. To indulge less in spending money, be it clothes/games/gadgets.
11. To write more cards for others.
12. To continue to be thoughtful with gifts and words.
13. To continue to love work.
14. To bless others.

May 2016 be blessed for all (:


Love,

Kimberly

23

Well, yes.

Finally 23 and working.

This year, I didn't really want a big celebration.

I think to me nowadays, birthdays are just another day.

But I really just wanna thank God for his grace and goodness, for sustaining me and giving me so many great opportunities and meeting wonderful people from when I was 22 till I turned 23.

He gave me a job within a month that I took my final paper of university. I met wonderful colleagues and bosses that are really too good to be true. My colleagues are ever so helpful and a handful of them I hang out with them going for supper and some of them really go all the way to help you. Like who does that! Like I'm so thankful that God placed them in my life. Even though in the beginning, as any newcomer would feel, I felt extremely left out and I felt like I didn't fit anywhere. But eventually everything got better. Besides that, my workplace is just less than 10 minutes away from my house. How awesome is that!? Like it can only happen because of God.

From when I was 22 till now, I finally completed my part time degree at UWA-PSB. Like I think I could only pass and for some modules I even did well when I expected myself to fail. I could only have completed my degree with God's grace. And the university people I met, the group of them are like the most awesome people ever. I also wouldn't have survived university if not for them. The times in practical sessions of chit chat and helping each other with submissions, the talking crap and making a fool out of ourselves. Thank you dear friends for accepting me for who I am, I know sometimes I might be offensive sorry!

I left my part time job after almost 2 years of working as a computer teacher. Even though I might detest teaching at times, but I must say that I do miss some of those kids. I really do hope that I have somewhat inspired some of them who are in primary school now to really do their best. Friendships with some of the teachers have been forged and hopefully these friendships still continue to stay. Candice and Faith are really nice people and they are really pretty inspiring at times. I really admire their patience with the kids and the kids' parents.

The friends that are still my friends now, thank you for still letting me be your friend. I can be pretty crazy at times. But some of these friends have seen me from a girl who was filled with so much anger (like really a chili padi) to now who I am. When I look back I really wonder how come I was filled with so much anger.... It is really quite scary... But for the past year each of us have been pretty busy, with university and work but we all try to meet up as much as we can. These friends are always there for you no matter what. I've learned how to prioritize time in the midst of juggling my studies and work.

In the past year I have been drifting in and out in my relationship with Christ. But I can only thank Him still that He has brought people into my life that is bringing me back closer to Him. Looking back, I can really see how God used certain people to talk to me and help me. Particularly recently as well. I am pretty determined to try to draw myself closer to God. And I've finally realised that God really loves me and He is so good and gracious, and who am I to deserve all that but God really cares for me, and everyone too! If God didn't care, He wouldn't have sent certain people in my life to talk to me especially when I needed it the most.


So with a grateful heart, thank you everyone who wished me, be it on facebook, instagram and personal whatsapp messages. Thank you my love, Moses for spending my birthday with me, even though it was a very simple celebration, it really means a lot to me. To my parents, thank you for making the effort to bring me out to dinner with grandma as well.

I've come to realise that it is not how big the celebration is, but how meaningful you spend your birthday is really what matters. Birthday can be just a day, but being grateful and thankful is really what matters, given that life can be so fragile with what is happening in the world. I'm just thankful to be alive, to live in a safe place, to have a family, to have a roof above my head, to have someone to love me, to have God love me so much, to have such friends that will always be there for you no matter what shit you get yourself in, to have a job, to have a great boss, to have great colleagues. Wow, really just wow. God is indeed good.

Trauma

Ever had that constant fear/trauma just because something bad happened to you once?

Well, I have.

I just thought I would share it here.

Sometimes having this trauma causes me to inconvenience others, more like I feel that I'm a burden.

Whenever after 1130pm-12mn and I reach home that late, if I am alone and nobody sends me home, I stand at the lift, praying for the lift to come quickly or that I am constantly scanning the whole area of my lobby hoping nobody comes into the lift with me, or that if someone is coming, that someone is a lady and not a man. It is a constant fear each time I encounter this situation, with heart pumping fast and scared out of my wits. I can only pray for God to protect me and keep me sane.

Why? You may ask...

Because back in June/July 2009, I was coming home, at 1030pm (mind you that's not exactly very late), I came from my secondary school's founder's day celebration. I entered the lift along with a young man who was possibly younger than me dressed in hip hop, and an old man. Just before the lift door closed, a middle age man rushed into the lift.

At that point of time, I was still plugged in my earphones and didn't think much about it. I sort of noticed that this middle aged man did not press any lift floors so I thought he stayed at the other levels. One by one the old man and the young man got off on their floors, leaving me with just this other man. Little did I think that this situation was about to change my life.

I didn't even suspect why is he also going to my level and also that I was staying on the highest floor compared to the other 2.

I was minding my own business, listening to my music, but suddenly I just felt like someone was staring at me. Like that kind of weird feeling. So I looked towards that middle age man and he smiled at me and looked down. Naturally I was wondering why and followed his gaze.... down to his unzipped pants with his hands rubbing his genitalia.

I immediately froze and switched my gaze back to the lift doors. Soon enough, the lift arrived at my floor and I walked out, towards my neighbour's door (he's a policeman) and stared at the lift door to make sure he did not walk out or else I would go crazy on my neighbour's door.


This incident has somewhat scarred me to what I am now and why I react that way when I go home after 1130pm/12midnight alone and no one is sending me back home.

I still have flashes of memories and images of that very incident but I am unable to completely form the middle age man's face, and unfortunately unable to identify at the police station. It is still that bad.

 I do appreciate very much for my boyfriend who always constantly send me back home, up to my floor, in cases that we reach back after 11pm. Also, my colleagues who I have been going out for supper with and hanging out late with, they, too, send me back. I feel like I'm such a burden for causing so much trouble and initially I didn't really want to tell them about this but the last time we went out for supper and I reached back home at 12 something A.M. I really couldn't take it because there were like a couple of middle aged men standing near the lift lobby and I was scared out of my wits.

I don't have a choice in a sense that no matter how I feel like I am so damn troublesome, I have to say it because this trauma, I just can't seem to overcome it and it's really ruining my life. If I am alone and going back up alone and there is no one around that I see/hear coming I still can more or less try to manage. But when there are middle aged men around, that's when I lose it.

Even past 1030pm, I do not plug in my earphones both sides just so that I can listen out for people coming and be more wary. That's how affected I am.

I can only thank that the people I meet at my workplace and my boyfriend that despite the inconvenience that I am posing, they still are willing to send me up.

I feel blessed yet doomed in a way, because people can be so nice but it's because of this incident that I became like that.

Yeap. My HDB area has a lot of creeps.


I may not know why I decided to post this but maybe is to also tell others that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to tell people. Because there are people out there who will understand and help you. Don't be afraid! :)


In God's love,


Kimberly

xx

ZipperLips

She sits in the corner of the table
People around her laughs, she smiles
Oh, they're talking about something she knows
But
Zipperlips
She thinks back of the last time she tried to fit in
The conversation
Everyone was silent
And carried on with their conversation

She perks up every time
They mention something she knows
She wants to add in
She wants to join in
But
Zipperlips

Maybe
Zipperlips
Would probably be the best
Would save her from being embarrassed
From making any mistakes
The words that comes out of her mouth

Sometimes
Zipperlips
Would probably be the only way
To maybe try to fit in
To just have her opinions to herself

But
Zipperlips
No one knows what she's thinking
No one knows how she's feeling
No one
Knows

She thinks
It is still better this way

Zipperlips

My Brother. Not.

This is my brother. Not. HAHAHA okay for real, he isn't my blood brother, but he is my god-brother.

And he's back from London after 9 months of school! Really proud of him to have gone through first year of his medical school. I know he might be mistaken as my boyfriend hahahaha. He is actually 1 year younger than me, and we've known each other for 9 years already!

There's a little history behind our friendship (not relationship please) and here goes! It's pretty funny how we ended up as god-siblings.

He was a secondary 1 student that entered choir. And because at that point of time, his voice hadn't broken yet, he could sing pretty high and was posted to Sopranos. And as a secondary 2, I was definitely closer to the secondary 1s as we were the next oldest to them. Funny as it can be, he was SO annoying. REALLY annoying. THAT annoying little brat that abuses his high pitched voice and disturbs EVERYONE.

In secondary 2, still a BRAT. And guess what? He decided to do the most outrageous thing ever. I was in the school canteen and so was he. He washed his hands and guess where he wiped dry his hands? ON MY BACK. THE BACK OF MY SCHOOL UNIFORM. I was SO pissed at that time and I was complaining to my friends who were also in the canteen and they were pretty upset too. By this year he already moved to the Tenors because his voice started breaking.

As the months passed then he became more and more mature (YAY FOR ME) and wasn't as childish as he used to be. Surprisingly we actually got closer as friends and I can't even remember whether was it him who asked me to become his god-sister or the other way round, anyway, we became god-siblings in that year that he was secondary 2 and i was secondary 3.

From there I was always there to help him and guide him, as he did for me and shared his problems, be it love problems or friend problems, and not forgetting his hamster problems. And there was once on my birthday where we both went for choir late along with another friend and I was actually a student leader in the choir at that point of time. I can't remember where I placed those neoprints we took on that day at the old mall which is now replaced by JCUBE.

I think the most funny thing that happened to him was that he eventually went into the Bass section. Sadly he didn't even get posted into the Altos if not he would probably be the first person to be in all sections for his secondary school life.

I also remember that there was a time that this girl he liked eventually left him to be with a guy that I liked before. (WEIRD AYE)

I was so proud of him when I found out that he did so well for his 'O' Levels and was top of the school. He was an average student when I was still studying in Fairfield and I honestly think it was God's grace that he did so well. He wanted to get into Ngee Ann Polytechnic so that he would be able to study at the same place as I am, but eventually his parents did not let him do that and got him to go to VJC. Though he was upset and I was a little upset, I am glad that eventually he listened to his parents and got into VJC which helped to groom him as he had the potential to.

He has matured so much from 9 years back and I've seen him grow up to what he is right now.Even my mum commented that he has grown up so much and she probably wouldn't be able to recognize him on the streets. I still have his letter dated 21st April 2012, which was the year that I was taking my 'O' Levels, and I have still left it on my wall. It's actually a very sweet letter and he even laminated it for me hahahaha.

I hope that this friendship will continue to last and that we will always continue to keep in contact even though he would be far away again in London after September this year and hopefully I will have the chance to visit him in London as well as my aunty and my cousin too!

Cheers (HAHAHAHAHHA inside joke) dude.

To more lasting and longer friendship years ahead of us.


xx

2014

As 2014 comes to a close, I would say this year has passed really fast. There are always ups and downs, but just wanna use this time to reflect.

School is still ongoing, but 5 more months left till I finish my final paper. I thank God for seeing me through the tough times in school, getting unexpected results that I don't deserve and it could only come from God. I really like to thank my school mates for enduring my quirky side in school, I think I might have irritated them at times though. Thank you Denise (best lab partnerrrr), Jiahao, Rachel, Daniaal, Yuguang and also Fateha for the great and funny times in the lab! note to self: must take photo with everybody before last computer lab ends! because jiahao and rachel would be graduating!

Work has been a bout of ups and downs, sometimes by the principals, sometimes by the company, and God showed me ways of dealing with these matters properly and calmly. Till this day I still regret sometimes about leaving NUS. But definitely this current job has given me more experience and opened my eyes to children and God used this to teach me patience and to be less temperamental (Which I have been praying for). I do miss my K2 kids because all of them are moving up to Primary 1, I pray that all of them will do well and excel in school. I have 4 more months with this company, because in May would be my last month of school and I really wanna focus properly on my last paper and also will be looking for a new job then.

Work wise I have been talking to some friends who have already been working in the science industry for a while, it seems like I might be going back to research field if God's plan for me is to go back to research. I think probably my first full time job was a little overwhelming because of the work load and the job scope (if you know me personally you would know the horror of my job). But I am going to trust God to put me somewhere that I can manage and where I am supposed to be.


My walk with God this year also hasn't been always good, I hope 2015 will be a better and closer walk with Him. I have been on and off serving in church because of my school schedule, so it hasn't been very constant so far. I was part of the committee in SHINE youth sunday, so it was a little tough handling the baking team as well as juggling school and work. Thank you nigel for being understanding (: This year was a year of change for the SHINE youth, we were in new cell groups and new system, it was quite a big change because praise and worship was going to be by the youth and not with the adult service anymore, also cell was being done after youth service, which was good for me because I haven't been able to attend cell last time due to my curfew and school. Christmas was great too with the cell group!

 I had my first family trip to bangkok after many years and because my sister and I planned the itinerary, it was nice seeing my parents relaxed and not having to worry. To more yearly trips!



As for my relationship, it was yet another year of new experiences with Moses going into the uni. This year was also a year I spent more time around his friends which I enjoyed very much (: Getting new experiences, hanging out and talking and playing games. Next year 2015 would mark 5 years of being together! It really has been quite fast, it seems only 2 years since we have been together. As we grow together, more matters comes up and more serious topics comes up. I won't digress to details ;) I really am grateful for Moses always trying to be there for me.

I also like to thank my 2 best friends, Carissa and Ain, for continually being there for me since we graduated from Poly. This friendship between the 3 of us has not been easy, due to not being able to meet up often, Carissa going to Australia to study for a year, me being busy with work and studies. Hopefully 2015 we can meet up more often!

Definitely looking forward to 2015!

My resolutions for 2015:
1. Appreciate my family more
2. Walk closer with God and able to serve more regularly
3. Get a job with good pay and no need to work weekends
4. Appreciate Moses more and continue to support him in his school and work
5. Learn to cook and bake more items that I have never done before
6. Lose a little bit of weight and maintain
7. Study harder for the 5 months more
8. Appreciate my friends around me more
9. Become less temperamental
10. Travel to Bangkok with friends
11. Hopefully be able to apply for BTO
12. Blog more: about life and topics that can help readers, also on short stories
13. Save more money
14. Love more, Judge Less, Forgive More.

Happy 2015 to all!


xx

The What Ifs.

When I get reminded of you, I sometimes think whether the decision I made was correct.

But yet again, God reminds me that there was a reason why it didn't work out.

I'm glad to have met you still, to have you be part of my life, even if it was just a small tiny part of my life.

I think God has used you to tell me that certain things can't or won't happen for a reason.

That in fact the decision I ultimately made was the right thing to do.

Thinking about the what ifs.

What if, I had given that chance.

What if, it worked out in the end.

Sometimes, I am scared of thinking of these certain "what ifs". Because I already know what the outcome would be like.

My life would have been drastically different. I would have been drawn further and further away from God. I wouldn't be serving in church, that's for sure.

To think of all these possibilities, it scares me.


To be running my life so differently. I just can't go there. With what I have now, to be getting closer and closer to God, I am really quite happy with where I am now. With my eyes opening to the world, to see true friends, even to know new people, to be serving and taking up opportunities, to have met such a good best friend who is also the love of my life, who really, I can't say thank you enough for, God made all these happen.


x