It's 12.08am.
Currently listening to: CHVRCHES.
Just finished drying my hair, after working. Actually I left at around 440pm to go to the airport to send off a friend who was flying back to Australia for university. And then I was back in the lab at 930pm. Well, that's research for you.
To be honest, today was a bad day. Or rather this week is a bad week. Been doing stupid reckless things, drowning myself in alcohol, and screwing up at work. Which is why I made the decision to give the fireball cinnamon whiskey (that i made the effort to go all the way down and willingly spent for myself) to my boyfriend. Because I felt I was getting worse. At life. At decisions. At work. I'm actually pretty upset at myself for making those mistakes, but life has to go on even though life is really throwing me durians again.
I've been thinking, when I was showering, to share about my problem; attention. Please understand that this is an issue that it is very hard for me to share, especially online.
This attention thing can actually piss people off. Because I have this incessant need for people to reply me/ show that they care for me/ the list goes on. And I do know it is ridiculous. Because after I piss people off whether I really do or not, I actually feel so bad, feel upset at myself. Like why do I need to be like that?
Going back to the beginning of my life, early stages of my life, I never ever actually received any affirmation or approval of my talents or my looks from my parents, especially my mum, because I guess my mum was always the one who set the standards, and my dad doesn't exactly say anything. My mum was always so hard on academics, and I never seemed to actually make her happy with the results I got. Primary school, if I did not get full marks, and if there were careless mistakes, I would get caning for each careless mistake. I pretty much got rejected every time, from friends (not being cool to hang out with and being made use of), from teachers (I got threatened by my choir teacher because 2 times in a row I skipped choir practice to spend time with my mum and her sister).
Going way back a little more to kindergarten, I got rejected by my first teacher, I could never ever seem to please her and she would scold me for the littlest things. Like I drew shapes from my ruler on the assessment books and got scolded. Basically she made it so bad for me that whenever my mum dropped me off at school I would cry and refused to go in. I still remember that even as I was crying my mum was shouting at the teacher because I was late and she was shaming me. Eventually I shifted class after my mum talked to the principal. And I recalled that during our tea break that mean teacher was complaining about me to my new teacher. I have forgiven this teacher, to be honest, she was maybe having a bad time in her life, and looking at myself back when I was teaching, I guess I was not a good teacher either, at times I would feel bad after screaming at my students.
Going forward to secondary school, I was yet again being used, never fitting in.
To polytechnic, got accused, shot down, hated. But I've forgiven them and moved forward.
Fast forward to now, I've started work, I guess university was pretty much trying to pass my modules so I wasn't too concerned about fitting in and all. I was so caught up with work and studies that I had no time to think about other stuff. Now, I have more free time on my hands. Which means that I have more time to think about all this nonsense.Throughout life, I've always tried to lower my mother's standards so that I don't feel so bad, like whenever I feel that I'll probably be able to pass and the paper was okay, I always tell my mother that I might fail and the paper was bad. Because if I told her that the paper was okay, she would expect me to do extremely well. So, by telling her that my paper was bad and I might fail, she only can hope that I pass and if I do better than a pass, she'll be happy. Quite ridiculous, I know.
My mum has also straight up in my face told me that she hates my singing. And when I try to practice playing my guitar at home, she comes and closes my door. What can that mean? That only means that she can't tolerate it. From young I've always been chasing her dreams, her dreams of me being able to play the piano like a prodigy (when I loved ballet and she made that choice for me when I was learning both), she made me go to the tiger air stewardess interview (that was to make her happy and every stage I was praying that they would not call my name and I was not even bothered to care about doing well). The only plus so far is that I somehow, lucky as it is, I got into A*STAR and because it is known to be reputable, my mum is happy. If she wasn't pleased with the jobs my sister and I have, she'll make us leave it, and complain non stop until we can't take it (she made my sister leave her birdpark job which she loved very much though it was tiring).
So no approval? What do people like me do then? We seek it outside. From friends, from colleagues. It's becoming more and more ridiculous that I can even see it. And the best thing is, I can't help it. After it happens, or when I feel like I got rejected in some way or another, I will be very hard on myself. Finding fault with myself. Please do not get me wrong, I am not trying to get any comfort from anyone here, like "oh, you poor thing" those kind of stuff. No I am seriously not. I just feel that people should understand that I am not wanting that attention on purpose. I actually even detest myself for it. Like I don't even want to be like this. I think me being like this probably did push some people away... and yeap, I blame myself for it.
As much as many people tell me I sing well, it is really very hard for me to accept that. But recently I found where I am most happy at, singing and jamming with this group of friends that I got to know as they were my boyfriend's friends. I feel that even without alcohol, I feel happy, belonged. And with my boyfriend's friends, I really can be myself and feel happy.
Edit: this doesn't mean to my other friends that I'm not happy when I'm with them. I'm just expressing who other than my close circle of friends that I can be myself with. I appreciate every time spent with other friends too so don't feel that I'm saying that I only want to hang out with certain people (highlight: I care for others more than myself)
I've been drinking more often and I have made a decision to stop using alcohol as a way out. For all those fuck-ups I've been making, to just escape from thinking and feeling. I am stopping myself from drinking alone. I will only drink with my friends. Because to be honest, drinking alone may make me feel happy for a while, but after it dies down, I just go back to being unhappy. And the after effects of alcohol is not good for me.
I know that as a Christian, I am supposed to seek God for attention and approval. But it is really very difficult, but I am trying. Getting rejected time and time again and not getting approval especially from my mum has taken a very big blow in my life. I can only be thankful for the friends I have, the people who do care but they don't say it, and my boyfriend and my church friends and God. Thank you for staying guys. But I think I need a break from life. And I need to figure out what do I want in life and how to handle all this, again.
And, I actually care for other people more than myself. Because that's who God made me to be. I have a gift: compassion, empathy, for others. I am that kind of person that will go all out for a friend when I can.
So, back to chilling with music.
xx
Time: 12:44am. Time to sleep, if I can, that is.
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